Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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