so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
