I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
