He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
