I seem to have left my pride at pride
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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