I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
