I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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