as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
