Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
