you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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