If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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