thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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