Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
