I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We need to get me chipped asap
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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