i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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