Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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