I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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