Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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