Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
