I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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