I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I'm jealous of your bromance
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
