I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
