ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
