Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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