to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
