I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
