Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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