i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize