I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
