Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
