So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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