Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
