all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
