what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
