onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
