our cab driver is having phone sex.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
This baby is an asshole
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
