haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize