I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
