Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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