my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
