I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
