im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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