dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
