We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
