i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
