What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
