i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
