Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
