Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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