Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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