I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Randomize
