she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize