That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize