I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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