Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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