He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
