If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
