The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
