Someone shit on the floor
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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