if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
