he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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