god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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