Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
